did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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