There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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