In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
