There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
