So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
