a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
