lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
