You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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