Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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