i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
