I looked at my own cervix.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I think your dad took our porno
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
