i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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