this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
