i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
