Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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