I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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