why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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