dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
