you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
