i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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