He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Randomize
