i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
