I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
