he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Randomize
