After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Drunk is not a location!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
