I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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