True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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