I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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