walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
