You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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