Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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