Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
