if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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