he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
