I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
