You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
