I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
