just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
