so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
