nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
