God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
