Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
