Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
