I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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