i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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