Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
