the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
