first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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