can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
