her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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