idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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